hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
