she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
