I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
