Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
