that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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