Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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