Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
