1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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