Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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