Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
