not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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