I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Fuck appropriateness.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
