Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
