she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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