i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
