I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
