It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
