You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
