I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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