Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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