if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
