Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
