Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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