Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
