I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
