When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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