I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
