i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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