theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
