I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
