Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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