I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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