I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
