Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
