she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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