wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
