I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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