my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
