i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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