some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
