meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's never too late to be topless.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
