Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
