I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
