i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
