hell yes lets make some ravioli
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
