If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
