My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
