you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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