Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
