I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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