My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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