he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
