so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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