im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
